I am really interested in hearing from parents (both women AND men) on how they made the decision to stay home with the kids versus going back to work.
Now that I am nearly done with my maternity leave for my second child Dylan, I have made a realization.
Staying home is a hell of a lot harder than going to work.
For one, the at-home work day never ends and there is really no way to make the out-of-the-house "working" spouse understand that. For instance, my hubby comes home at five after getting up at four a.m. for work. He's tired. I get that.
But I have been doing at least three overnight feedings, PLUS I'm the one getting up to let the two year old pee AND explain that we are not "napping", but SLEEPING, which means at least nine hours of shut-eye. (got it kid? no, I didn't think so.)
Not to mention that staying at home AND being a good parent is just plain tough. Yeah, I could plop my daughter down in front of the boob tube day after day. But then I'm a crappy parent who is letting the idiot box teach my child. Trying to figure out what to do with a toddler that is physically and (even better) mentally stimulating is EXHAUSTING!
And yes, kisses and hugs and seeing your child grow into a smart, polite, twinkle-of-your-eye kind of kid is great. But overall, staying at home can be a very thankless job.
Did I get a bonus when I spent an entire weekend cooped up in the house potty-training my daughter? Where was my gold star when I was able to take BOTH kids to the lake and not have either of them drown OR eat sand?? I just got a lukewarm reaction from the husband, who (might I add) has NEVER gone ANYWHERE with both kids by himself. (easy my ass!)
So as I get ready to head back to work, I realize that emotionally it will be hard. There is nothing that can compare to watching your child grow before your very eyes.
But I also have to get away. Criticize me all you want, but I NEED time away from my kids to just be me. (Who cares if I spend most of that time talking about my kids??)
I truly believe going to work can help me be a better mother. Since I will be able to focus on something other than housework and kids, when I am at home, I will cherish that time even more.
Where do you stand?
August 23, 2011
August 17, 2011
Wait until your father gets home! Oh wait....
I remember my mom yelling "Wait until your father gets home!" if she really wanted to scare the crap out of us when me and my brother misbehaved.
It's not like my dad beat us or anything. But he was the parent who doled out the spankings. He also had and still has a deep, thick New York-Italian accent that could make you wonder if you'd be "sleeping with the fishes" instead of in your own bed.
Basically, when there was a good cop-bad cop dynamic being played in my home, mom was the good cop and dad was often the bad cop.
(I remember my mom would try and play bad cop by taking a wooden spoon out of the drawer and threatening to hit us with it. And I can still remember the day we all realized she would never actually use it.)
At the time, it seemed like all of my friends had the same dynamic playing in their homes. They could get away with all kinds of stuff with their mom. But they would be in big trouble if their dad found out.
Now it seems like times have changed.
I talk with my fellow mommy friends and it seems like the dads are often the softies and the moms are becoming more of the disciplinarians.
I'm not saying this is bad or good. Just different.
Could the shift in "traditional" roles be because moms are more likely to be home longer with the kids during the day?
Or could it be because once dad IS home, mom cannot relinquish her role as the disciplinarian?
While I do not think a good cop-bad cop dynamic is needed in all households, I do feel a little fear of punishment (by either parent) can go a long way in keeping a child out of real trouble.
It's not like my dad beat us or anything. But he was the parent who doled out the spankings. He also had and still has a deep, thick New York-Italian accent that could make you wonder if you'd be "sleeping with the fishes" instead of in your own bed.
Basically, when there was a good cop-bad cop dynamic being played in my home, mom was the good cop and dad was often the bad cop.
(I remember my mom would try and play bad cop by taking a wooden spoon out of the drawer and threatening to hit us with it. And I can still remember the day we all realized she would never actually use it.)
At the time, it seemed like all of my friends had the same dynamic playing in their homes. They could get away with all kinds of stuff with their mom. But they would be in big trouble if their dad found out.
Now it seems like times have changed.
I talk with my fellow mommy friends and it seems like the dads are often the softies and the moms are becoming more of the disciplinarians.
I'm not saying this is bad or good. Just different.
Could the shift in "traditional" roles be because moms are more likely to be home longer with the kids during the day?
Or could it be because once dad IS home, mom cannot relinquish her role as the disciplinarian?
While I do not think a good cop-bad cop dynamic is needed in all households, I do feel a little fear of punishment (by either parent) can go a long way in keeping a child out of real trouble.
August 3, 2011
Making friends is the answer
I learned an important lesson from my daughter last night. It was National Night Out, when people are supposed to turn on the porch light and meet those who live around them.
I'm lucky. I actually know the people who live next to me, across the street and a few doors down. But when I saw that a home near our neighborhood park was having an "official" National Night Out meetup, my family decided to go for a walk and meet some new friends.
Let's say it was a bit...awkward.
As we walked the long block to the home, I was telling my two year old daughter Marley that we were walking to meet some new friends. She was instantly excited. When we got close, we saw people barbecuing out front (which I love!)
My little girl immediately spotted another girl her age. They smiled at each other, grasped hands and didn't let go. It was so sweet.
The adults on the other hand were a little off-putting. As my husband and I said hello, they made this face that conveyed the message, "Who are these people?"
Determined to make the best of it, I told the group we were out for a walk to meet our neighbors. One older woman awkwardly said "Ok" and that was it. I then introduced myself and they didn't even respond with their names!! They just said hi.
I'm sorry. I thought the point of this night was to meet people you did not know. It seemed these people just wanted to hang with people they already knew.
But then I turned my focus to my daughter. She and her new friend were smiling at each other and in my opinion, becoming fast friends.
At what age to we lose this ability? Why does it seem so much harder for adults to smile, shake hands and become pals?
After standing there for a while and not exactly feeling welcome, we decided to go to the park. There was another girl Marley's age and again, the two instantly became friends. The girl's mother was very nice and we made small talk as we watched our kids play.
THIS is what I was after and what I believe is the point of National Night Out.
If we want to feel safe and take pride in our community, we need to reach out and get to know each other.
And one way to do that is to be like children. Smile at that neighbor, reach out, shake hands and become friends.
I'm lucky. I actually know the people who live next to me, across the street and a few doors down. But when I saw that a home near our neighborhood park was having an "official" National Night Out meetup, my family decided to go for a walk and meet some new friends.
Let's say it was a bit...awkward.
As we walked the long block to the home, I was telling my two year old daughter Marley that we were walking to meet some new friends. She was instantly excited. When we got close, we saw people barbecuing out front (which I love!)
My little girl immediately spotted another girl her age. They smiled at each other, grasped hands and didn't let go. It was so sweet.
The adults on the other hand were a little off-putting. As my husband and I said hello, they made this face that conveyed the message, "Who are these people?"
Determined to make the best of it, I told the group we were out for a walk to meet our neighbors. One older woman awkwardly said "Ok" and that was it. I then introduced myself and they didn't even respond with their names!! They just said hi.
I'm sorry. I thought the point of this night was to meet people you did not know. It seemed these people just wanted to hang with people they already knew.
But then I turned my focus to my daughter. She and her new friend were smiling at each other and in my opinion, becoming fast friends.
At what age to we lose this ability? Why does it seem so much harder for adults to smile, shake hands and become pals?
After standing there for a while and not exactly feeling welcome, we decided to go to the park. There was another girl Marley's age and again, the two instantly became friends. The girl's mother was very nice and we made small talk as we watched our kids play.
THIS is what I was after and what I believe is the point of National Night Out.
If we want to feel safe and take pride in our community, we need to reach out and get to know each other.
And one way to do that is to be like children. Smile at that neighbor, reach out, shake hands and become friends.
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